Journal Entry February 23, 2015

Today marks a day, I have had one of my lows of the year. I haven’t felt that way in a while. Where I felt I got in the wrong situation with my life. To be engaged to someone that seemed so vindictive and selfish – hurt. All couples around me can support each other and for some reasons we’ve been together for 10 years and I’ve felt I’ve sacrificed so much. I had to be okay with him drinking. I had to be okay with him getting high. I had to be okay with him lying to me. That was my choice. I thought he would be better. He got over those things but we would not have made it if I wasn’t patient about it. Then finally, I out right asked him to support me with staying sober for a month, and he broke it. He could not do it. He drank several times. This was after we had argued with the fact that he lied. He became defensive when I caught the fact that he lied about a friend wanting to hang out. Yes, it’s a small lie. But why not just admit that he may of misread some thing instead of snapping on my head. Worst, he said some terrible things about the friend. Called what I thought was important to talk about, “stupid”. His memory is apparently bad or he just doesn’t have his life together. He doesn’t think. Just like his dad. Coast through life. And i realized, I am not the type of person who will coast. I want to continually grow, I don’t want to take a step backwards and if he doesn’t want to improve himself as a person constantly then I forsee issues in the future. I don’t want to waste my time or his. So it’s best to figure out if he is open to listening and learning, or if he wants the simple life of just settling.

Next, I wasn’t feeling well. I slept crying after looking up healthy relationship articles. Things that need to be established in a relationship. My eyes were puffy, my energy was low. I was not well. Uday’s sister decided to stop by unexpectedly. I don’t understand what is so hard to just let people know ahead of time if she is dropping by or not. There are schedules to organize and she really does not care about how stressful it can be looking after property. Anyways, I was annoyed she dumped a bunch of stuff off. She snapped on my head and asserted her “authority” saying it is her property. I hate when people think they can do that. It is not okay. No human being has control over another human being. This is why slavery has been abolished. I rather move back home with my mom or rent a room. I don’t care, I can figure it out if she continues to be such a condescending person.

She also talked about how she is not our buffer. As if we need to be grateful. 1 years of her being the “glue” makes her think she is so much better than everybody else, when we’ve had to be the glue for so long for 5 years and then also go into debt for their family. We never asked for any recognition nor do we want any. We do what we do because we truly cared. Accusations are a dangerous thing. Assuming makes you an ass. Everybody has a choice and if you want recognition then go find it somewhere else. You can’t force people to appreciate you. Your choices are your choices and don’t expect people to applaud you for it.

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